I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, about my life and what my purpose in this life is. Yesterday at Church, I kind of went into a little bit of depression and reflecting on the past couple years of my life. I went to the second service and I usually go to the first service and then head home, but yesterday they were having baptisms after the second service so I stayed. I was fine until after the service and I headed to the pool for the baptisms, that is when my mind began to run and I got trapped in my thoughts. At the pool I sat on the side away from everyone else to watch the baptisms and a friend came over and asked why I was sitting over here. I told him I felt more comfortable over here and he said something about I need to be over with the crowd. My hands were shaking and I was having a lot of anxiety about the situation, not sure why.
But I sat there watching people being baptized and clapping as each one came up out of the water. It is awesome to see people give their lives to the Lord, I remember the day I got baptized in Oklahoma. But as all this was happening I was deep in thought about things I do and what is my purpose in this life. Thinking about how I feel I don’t fit in with my Church family. Why do I feel this way? Well it could be because of some of the sins I commit and I know I am a sinner and am not worthy of the Love of Christ. Jesus Christ still loves me whether I sin or not, I continue to try and pound that into my own brain. But my brain is always thinking the worst. Other then that I don’t know why I feel like I don’t fit in, I know people like me and I have made a lot of friends at Church. But my brain is constantly thinking negative thoughts. I don’t pray as often as I should, because I always feel like I am praying the wrong way. I have always heard people say shout to the Lord, speak out your prayers to the Lord. Yet I always pray in my head, thinking out my prayer to the Lord like it is a private message to my savior. Is this wrong? Should I always speak my prayers out loud to Jesus Christ?
I do my best to be a good Christian, I read my Bible Plans every morning and try and pray as I go to bed at night. But the temptations of this earth constantly pull me into sinning. A lot of times, I feel like I am the only Christian on this planet who is struggling with temptations. In my heart I know that is not true, but in my brain it is always negative thinking. I need to retrain my mind to think more positively and change my perception of things. Easier said then done, but I need to work on that. I am just typing this up to get it out of my head and on to paper so to speak.
In closing, I want to thank my Life Center South family for always being there and being my “Church” Family. I appreciate and love you all, even if I don’t really show it. If you happen to read this whole thing and know me at all, you know that all this is true, I struggle to try and fit in. I have my internal battles with myself, and strive to be a better Christian and a better person. I encourage everyone to seek Christ, whether you know it or not, he Loves you and will always be there for you.
Edit: I just wanted to edit and add this little statement. I did not type this to try and get sympathy and such. I just had to get this off my mind, everyone has to vent from time to time and this is my way of venting, by typing it up and sharing it with the world. I want the world to know that you may have your struggles, but Jesus Christ always has your back. Even if you turn away from him, he still Loves you.
My prayer today…
Jesus, I love you and pray that you give me the strength to not give into the temptations of this earth and help me to be a better Christian and a better Person. Thank you Jesus.. Amen